August 2, 2007

Question: Yesterday I saw a young mother really lose it with her toddler at the grocery store. The child was throwing a fit because he wanted to get out of the cart, so the mom slapped him and yelled at him. I wanted to do something, but I wasn't sure what was appropriate. Now I can't get the image out of my mind, and I wonder how I might have helped.

Answer: Most of us have been in that situation at one time or another. And, like you, we're often not sure what to do. So we do nothing -- and feel bad later. A few years ago Prevent Child Abuse America (PCAA), a national advocacy organization based in Chicago, surveyed 1250 Americans about how they have responded in similar situations. Forty-four per cent of those surveyed reported that they failed to respond upon observing child abuse, and half of those reported they had no idea how to respond effectively. Of those who indicated they did respond, 55 per cent said they had given a disapproving look to the offending adult, and 63 per cent reported reprimanding the adult verbally.

Granted, it feels awkward, and sometimes even dangerous, to intervene in a stranger's interactions with a child. But PCAA, based on the wisdom of the experts on their staff and board of directors, suggests several ways to respond that are respectful of both the parent and child, responses that recognize the struggling parent's own need for support and encouragement. Here are some examples of how PCAA's tips might be applied in the grocery store:

• Start a conversation with the adult to direct attention away from the child. For example, you could say, "My child often gets upset at the store too." By identifying supportively with the parent, you often can defuse the situation.
  
  
• Try to divert the misbehaving child's attention by talking to him or her. Shopping with a parent can be boring and frustrating to a child, and sometimes a little attention from fellow shoppers can help to ease the tension.
  
  
• Look for an opportunity to praise the child or the parent. You might say, "You're a brave mom to venture into a crowded supermarket with a lively toddler." Or you could say to the child, "You were so good to sit in that cart for such a long time. You must be getting really tired!"
  
  
• If the child is in danger, offer assistance to the parent. For example, "How about if I unload your cart for you (or carry your groceries to your car) while you comfort your child." Or you might just say, "You've really got your hands full. How can I help?"
  
  
• Most important of all, avoid making negative remarks or giving looks of disapproval to the parent. Anything perceived by the parent as criticism is likely to increase the parent's anger and make matters even worse for the child.

Dr. Erickson and her daughter can be heard every Sunday, from 2 - 4 pm, on "Good Enough Moms," on FM107.1 radio in the Twin Cities or via Webcast at www.FM1071.com