July 5, 2007

Question: My husband and I are about to have our first child. My 75-year-old father-in-law is retired and has lots of time on his hands. He says he is eager to baby-sit and to take the baby on outings when my husband and I are at work. My mother-in-law still works full-time, so she will seldom be around to help. I really love my father-in-law and appreciate how excited he is about becoming a grandfather. But the problem is that over the past year he has become increasingly absent-minded and disorganized and my husband and I are not comfortable leaving the baby alone with him. I especially don't want him to take the baby in the car because he has become a very erratic, dangerous driver. How can I draw these boundaries without offending him?

Answer: This is an awkward situation and it will be hard (if not impossible) to handle without hurting your father-in-law's feelings. Nonetheless, as you well know, the consequences of not addressing the issue could be very serious.

As an in-law, you are not in the best position to take this on alone. I'd suggest that you and your husband decide together how to proceed. The two of you may decide that your husband should talk privately with his father -- or that the two of you should do it together. Either way, you will need to talk with your mother-in-law too and express your concerns. Most likely she has noticed the decline in her husband's competence and, hopefully, will be supportive in helping make sure he has time with the baby within safe, manageable circumstances. She may even be relieved to know you've noticed these changes in her husband's behavior and may welcome your support in helping her address her own concerns.

However you and your husband decide to address this sensitive issue with your father-in-law, I encourage you to lead with positives. Emphasize the things he will be able to do with his grandchild such as: helping care for the baby in your home to give you time to catch up on housework or take a break; going along when you run errands or take the baby to the park; taking the baby for a stroller ride around the block or rock the baby at naptime. Be straightforward about your concerns, but also tell him -- and show him -- how much you appreciate his involvement in your baby's life.

Although your question to me was specifically about how your father-in-law's poor driving and absent-mindedness could endanger your baby, what you describe raises a broader concern as well. You describe a significant change in your father-in-law's mental capacity and behavior, which could be a sign of Alzheimer's or some other serious illness or condition. Such decline often can be slowed by early diagnosis and treatment, so I urge you and your husband to pay close attention to these behavior changes and do what you can to see that your father-in-law is carefully evaluated by a physician. As difficult as it is to acknowledge that a loved one is slipping, denial or avoidance can cause much greater harm in the long run.

Dr. Erickson and her daughter can be heard every Sunday, from 2 - 4 pm, on "Good Enough Moms," on FM107.1 radio in the Twin Cities or via Webcast at www.FM1071.com