February 27, 2007

Question: When my 2-year-old daughter starts to climb the backyard fence, I say, "Go Girl! You're showing a fine sense of adventure." My wife, on the other hand, says, "Get down from there! You're gonna kill yourself!" I don't want to be reckless with my daughter's safety (as my wife sometimes accuses me), but on the other hand, I don't want to get so freaked out every time she pushes the envelope that she ends up being timid and afraid to take risks. How can we strike a balance?

Answer: Reading your question, I pictured myself standing on the sidelines, gasping with fear as my husband roughhoused with our son and daughter when they were small. Even today, when our adult kids tell us about their rock-climbing and mountain-biking adventures, my husband grins and I cringe. And I'm actually a pretty adventurous type myself.

Although you and your wife may never see eye to eye, there are some things you can do to keep relative peace between you, while also helping your daughter build confidence, motor skills and a healthy respect for real dangers.

• First of all, since your daughter is still very young, I'd suggest you and your wife work together to carefully assess her skills and understanding. Imagine what she would do if you were not around. Does she know what to do if she gets stuck? Can she judge that your fence, with grass underneath, is manageable for her, but a taller fence on concrete isn't? Young children are by nature impulsive and easily overestimate their readiness to take on some tasks.
  
  
• Teach your daughter specific skills that will help keep her safe even when you're not around--for example, how to climb down the fence backwards, holding on with both hands, and how to call for help if she gets stuck.
  
  
• Starting now and continuing through your daughter's growing years, require and model appropriate safety precautions for her physical activities. For example, insist on a helmet when she rides a bike, appropriate restraints in the car, wrist guards when she learns to rollerblade and, for now, climbing on a fence only if there's a soft surface underneath--and only when there's an adult there to watch. You and your wife will need to come to agreement on the most important rules, then work in partnership to enforce them consistently.
  
  
• Finally, with your wife, talk through your differences in how you view your daughter's adventures. Can you each see some ways in which you're too far at one end of a spectrum? You may decide your daughter really is not ready to climb so high. Or your wife may decide that, although your daughter's not in real danger, she just isn't comfortable watching her climb. So maybe climbing will be a special fun activity only during "daddy time."
  
  

Dr. Erickson and her daughter can be heard every Sunday, from 2 - 4 pm, on "Good Enough Moms," on FM107.1 radio in the Twin Cities or via Webcast at www.FM1071.com