February 15, 2007

Question: My wife keeps telling me that I give in to everything our kids want and that I'm never willing to say no to them. She's probably right, but I find myself just not able to make them unhappy by denying them what they ask for, whether it's material things or privileges. Do you have any words of wisdom for a dad who's too much of a softie?

Answer: Oh yes, kids can break our hearts, can't they? And sometimes it's just so much easier to give in than to hold fast to what we know is right. However, keeping an eye on the long-term goal of parenting sometimes helps to strengthen our resolve. We need to ask ourselves, "What kind of a person do I want my children to become?" Always giving in to children's pleading sends them a clear message that pleading is the way to succeed. And that's not the message most of us want to give our kids.

So, next time your kids are pushing for something and you're not sure that it is best for them, try these three steps:

• Take a deep breath and say you need to think about it for a while. Then get all the information you need in order to weigh the pros and cons, making an unrushed decision based on careful thought. Sometimes kids create a sense of urgency that makes us think we have to give an answer right on the spot. But making a thoughtful decision sets a good example for our children -- and it allows us to discern more clearly when it's time to say "no" and when it's just fine to say "yes."
  
  
• Listen to your children's wishes and feelings -- and acknowledge them. Even when you decide that it's not best to fulfill their hearts' desires, a simple "I can see that you really want this" at least lets them know you take their feelings seriously.
  
  
• When your answer is "no," state it gently but firmly, and give a clear, straightforward reason your children can understand. Then stick to your decision no matter how much your child pleads. If it's appropriate, you might suggest an alternative -- something else you would allow your children to do. Or, if it's a material thing they wanted and you aren't willing to pop for the cost, engage your children in figuring out with you how they might earn it over time. Learning to delay gratification and pursue a goal are important parts of growing up!
  
  

Dr. Erickson and her daughter can be heard every Sunday, from 2 - 4 pm, on "Good Enough Moms," on FM107.1 radio in the Twin Cities or via Webcast at www.FM1071.com