October 5, 2006

Question: My daughter is in fourth grade. The girl who has been her best friend for more than a year has stopped talking to her. I'm not sure what triggered the split, but the other girl is totally rejecting of my daughter and absorbed in her new best friend. It's breaking my daughter's heart. How can I help her through this?

Answer: Children this age can be very fickle. Alliances form and dissolve and form again, but this can be very painful indeed. Here's some advice.

• You can begin by simply acknowledging your daughter's feelings. Tell her this is a lousy thing to go through and you know it makes her sad and angry.
  
  
• Without giving her too much false hope let your daughter know that things may change. There may have been a misunderstanding that led to the rift in the friendship -¿ or even misinformation spread by a jealous classmate. With patience and care not to slip into treating the former friend badly, your daughter may find that the friendship is renewed over time.
  
  
• Sometimes children benefit from practicing what to say and do in tough situations. Ask your daughter what happens when she sees her former friend at school. It's tempting for someone who's feeling rejected to find ways to retaliate, saying bad things behind the other person's back for example. But whether or not your daughter and the other girl ever resume their friendship, your daughter will do best in the long run if she can treat the former friend with respect. This can be a hard, slow lesson to learn, but one that lasts a lifetime.
  
  
• Regardless of what happens with the old friend, help your daughter focus on other opportunities for friendship. Engage her in thinking about interests she shares with other classmates or neighbor children, and encourage her to invite others to come over to play games, go skating, or watch a movie.

Years from now your daughter may not even remember this falling out with her best friend, but the comfort and guidance you give her will be with her forever.

Dr. Erickson and her daughter can be heard every Sunday, from 2 - 4 pm, on "Good Enough Moms," on FM107.1 radio in the Twin Cities or via Webcast at www.FM1071.com