April 24, 2008

Question: We've recently purchased a new home in a nearby suburb and will move a few weeks before school begins in the fall. Our kids (ages 6, 8 and 10) seem very worried - and even angry - about moving. Are there any special steps we should take to make it easier for them?

Answer: A move entails meeting new people and adjusting to new surroundings, both of which can be frightening for children. It is natural for a child to feel shy or uneasy about entering a new social group, especially one in which many of the other children already know each other and view him or her as the "new kid on the block." Children often wonder, "Will they like me? Will they accept me?" The fear of the unknown sometimes exceeds the fear of what is known; your children may be imagining the worst-case scenario as they anticipate their new neighborhood and school.

At the same time, a move also means the loss of many of the familiar things that give children a feeling of security. Children may feel sad about leaving their school, their own cozy bedroom in the old house, and of course their friends. They may worry that they will never see their friends again, just at an age when friendships have assumed great importance. Since adults generally are the ones making the decision about a move, children also feel a lack of control over their circumstances, which can magnify any negative feelings they have about moving. On top of all that, parents often are caught up in the details of the move, so children may feel less support from the family than usual - at a time when they need even more.

Here are a few steps that may help your children through this big change:

* Take the kids exploring in the new neighborhood before the move. Visit their new school, the church you plan to attend, a local park, or recreation center. You may want to explore the possibility of enrolling the children in a day camp or recreational sports program in the new neighborhood so they can begin to become a part of the social network even before school begins.

* Engage your children in planning their own space in the new house. They may get caught up in the excitement of creating a new kind of bedroom or play area that reflects their special interests. Or they may find comfort in creating a feeling of sameness as they decide how to rearrange their favorite objects in the new home. Whatever they choose, the key is to give them some control in planning and preparing for the move.

* Once you are in the new house, reach out personally to parents and children in the neighborhood (unless, of course, they beat you to it). If there are other children in the homes nearby, consider hosting a simple Saturday morning picnic for parents and children. You and your children may even want to include a friend or two from your old neighborhood. That can be a good reminder that the old friends are not lost forever, and it can ease your children's entry into the new peer group.

* Make extra, special times for you and your children to do things together, especially right after the move. Understand that they may need time and extra support while they adjust to their new surroundings.

* Finally, it usually backfires to try to talk children out of their worries or anger about a big change. Simply listen respectfully to their concerns and reassure them that you know this is a big change and you will help make it go as smoothly as possible. Both for children and adults, feelings usually become much easier to manage once you know you have been heard.

Dr. Erickson and her daughter can be heard every Sunday, from 2 - 4 pm, on "Good Enough Moms," on FM107.1 radio in the Twin Cities or via Webcast at www.FM1071.com