Question: When I tell our kids to do anything like clean up their room, help with the dishes or stop playing and get ready for bed, they grumble and fuss - or outright refuse to do what I ask. I feel like I'm spending every evening in a battle trying to get the kids to cooperate. How can I break this cycle?

Answer: Whether it's a preschool child refusing to pick up toys, a 10-year-old pushing to stay up late, or a teenager trying to avoid household chores, a child's resistance can make a parent's hair stand on end. It's easy to rise to the bait and turn even a minor challenge into a major power struggle, but that ends up being miserable for everyone. Instead, there are steps you can take to prevent or defuse a conflict and help your children learn valuable lessons about respect and cooperation.

* First, make sure what you're asking of the child is reasonable. For example, a preschooler might feel overwhelmed by being asked to clean up a room independently. But if you say, "Let's do this together" - and offer encouragement along the way - it's a do-able task.

* Second, a lot of grumbling can be prevented if you give children a 5 or 10-minute "heads-up" notice that they need to finish what they're doing so they can put their toys away, get ready for bed or whatever the task at hand is.

Even with those steps, you're still likely to encounter grumbling or resistance sometimes. When that happens, consider these tips:

* Acknowledge your child's feelings. When kids grumble, they often just want to be heard. So simply say something like, "Yeah, I know doing dishes isn't much fun. But it will feel good when they're all done and you can go play."

* To the extent possible, offer your child choices. For example, you can't waver from the expectation that your children will complete their homework every evening. But you can offer choices as to exactly when and where they do the work.

* If your child refuses to do what you've asked, calmly state what the consequence will be if your child doesn't comply within a stated time (usually 5 - 15 minutes, depending on the child's age and the situation). Without getting carried away by anger, make sure the stated consequence fits the situation. For example, if a child doesn't help with the dishes when asked, he might lose his TV privileges for the evening.

* Next, step back and allow your child time to comply. When kids are resistant, too often we parents move in closer and increase the volume and intensity of our demands. Then our child matches that intensity by increasing his or her resistance. By stepping back instead, we allow our child to save face and "choose" to cooperate.

* If your child still doesn't follow through, impose the promised consequence swiftly and matter-of-factly. Shouting or bombarding a child with angry words does no good at this point. He or she needs to see that you meant what you said. Period.

* Once the consequence has been imposed, move on without bearing a grudge. Let your clearly stated expectations and carefully chosen consequences speak for themselves and allow your child see that he or she can start fresh the next time.

* Finally, don't forget to "catch your children being good." Let them know you appreciate it when they follow directions, especially when they do so cheerfully.

It's important to understand that all children are uncooperative at times. And at certain ages, especially during the toddler period and early adolescence, resistance and defiance are especially common as kids struggle to prove their independence. However, professional help is in order if defiance is very intense, lasts for many months, cuts across many situations, and interferes with a child's ability to have warm, supportive relationships with family, teachers or friends.

Dr. Erickson and her daughter can be heard every Sunday, from 2 - 4 pm, on "Good Enough Moms," on FM107.1 radio in the Twin Cities or via Webcast at www.FM1071.com