Question: My wife and I are going to begin a trial separation while we decide whether or not we can get past some serious difficulties in our marriage. We have two children, ages 6 and 8, and we're not sure what to tell them about why we're going to live apart. How much can they understand and what do they need to know?

Answer: Children are frightened, confused, sad and angry when parents separate. They imagine all kinds of possibilities, including that they may lose touch with the parent who is moving out, that their own behavior drove their parents apart, or that -- if they are only good enough -- their parents will reunite and live happily ever after. So, despite the toll this separation is bound to take on you and your wife, it is critical that you both stay attuned to the feelings and concerns of your children -- and that you work together to give them clear and consistent information about what is happening.

Although the message you give your children will need to be tailored to their individual needs, there are some key things all children need to hear at a difficult time like this.

* First, assure your children that they did nothing to cause this separation. Tell them this is an adult problem and that it has nothing to do with anything the children have said or done.

* Tell the children that right now you are not sure what is going to happen, but that you hope you all can live together again soon.

* To that end, tell the children in simple terms the steps you are taking to work through your problems. (I trust this includes marital counseling, which has helped many couples work through serious problems and come through with a stronger-than-ever relationship.)

* Assure the children that, no matter what happens with the marriage, you both will always love them and will continue to be actively involved in their daily lives. Be very concrete and specific about how you will do this right now while one parent is living out of the home. At ages 6 and 8, children want to know the details - who will help them with their homework or pick them up after swim lessons or tuck them in at night.

* Above all, support and honor each other's importance in the lives of the children you share. No matter how angry or unhappy you and your spouse might be with each other, do not say negative things about each other in front of the children. In particular, tell the children clearly that the other parent, "loves you very much and will always do her (or his) best to take care of you."

Even with steady reassurance, your children are likely to find this separation difficult. Anticipate that they might regress, slipping into behaviors that were common at younger ages. For example, many children begin sucking their thumb or wetting the bed. Or they may become clingy, whiny, unusually irritable, or aggressive. Certainly set and enforce limits on dangerous or hurtful behavior, as you normally would. But be tolerant and patient if the children seem needier or less mature than usual. Encourage them to talk openly about what they are thinking and feeling. And demonstrate to your children in words and actions that you both are there for them, now and always.

Dr. Erickson and her daughter can be heard every Sunday, from 2 - 4 pm, on "Good Enough Moms," on FM107.1 radio in the Twin Cities or via Webcast at www.FM1071.com