October 25, 2007

Recently I've received several almost identical questions from parents of teenage daughters. Although the questions have come from different states across the country, all have involved situations where the daughter has been caught lying to the parents about where she's been or where she's going. In one case, she said she was going swimming with friends at a public pool, but actually ended up swimming at a dangerous, unsupervised gravel pit. Another girl told her parents she was spending the evening at a girlfriend's house, but sneaked out with an older boy. Yet another has missed her curfew on several occasions, making up excuses that shift the blame to other people. In two of these situations, parents suspected their under-age daughter had been drinking. In all cases, the parents felt angry and betrayed. Some parents lashed out with words, one lashed out with her hand with a slap across the face, and all said they wanted to ground their daughter for at least a month. For you parents who have lost trust in your teen daughters, here are some tips for how to handle this challenging, but not uncommon, situation.

As our children grow up and acquire greater freedom to come and go as they wish, we parents face increasingly difficult challenges. We cannot possibly control everything our children do, much as we'd like to guide and protect our children in the way we did when they were young. But we usually do still control many of the resources our children want -- money and access to the car, for example. Without being overly punitive -- or overly emotional -- we need to teach our children that privileges come with responsibilities. And responsibilities of teens include being honest and following the house rules. When those responsibilities are not met -- as was the case with your daughter -- privileges are temporarily taken away. For example, you may revoke driving privileges, set an earlier curfew, or deny permission to attend a weekend outing with friends. No need for shouting or slapping; in fact, those behaviors may drive a permanent wedge between you and your daughter. Straightforward, predictable implementation of logical consequences, matched to the severity of your daughter's misbehavior, will be far more effective in the long run.

Your daughter also needs to hear a clear message that you trusted her to do what she said she was doing, but she chose to violate that trust. Now she must regain your trust, and that will take time. Meanwhile, you will need to monitor her whereabouts much more carefully -- just as you did when she was younger. She won't like this, but you will need to tell her matter-of-factly that, because you love her very much, you will do everything you can to keep her safe and help her learn to make wise choices. She needs to hear that it's your job as a parent to help her develop respect, honesty and responsibility.

One helpful strategy will be to communicate with the parents of your daughter's friends. Most parents have heard the familiar refrain, "But all the other kids get to do that!" The air goes out of that argument when the parents are talking to each other on a regular basis. And life is easier for kids and their parents when families agree to common guidelines and expectations about teen behavior. Young people thrive best when they are surrounded by what is sometimes called a "positive conspiracy" of caring adults. Keep a phone list of your daughter's friends handy, and let your daughter know you're in communication with the other parents who care enough to know where their kids are and who they are with. You're bound to hear some grumbles from your daughter and her friends; parenting is not a short-term popularity contest, but a long-term investment in your daughter's health and well being.

One last important step in dealing with your daughter's behavior: notice when she does follow through and show appreciation for her efforts to cooperate with your rules and expectations. Let her know she is regaining your trust. And, over time, demonstrate that renewed trust by gradually allowing her more freedom again.

Hopefully these steps will see you and your daughter through these times of testing the limits. But if not -- and especially if your daughter shows increasingly rebellious behavior -- seek professional help from a counselor. Your daughter's behavior may indicate a more serious underlying problem. But with help, many teens and families work through such difficult times, moving toward stronger relationships and a healthier developmental pathway.

Dr. Erickson and her daughter can be heard every Sunday, from 2 - 4 pm, on "Good Enough Moms," on FM107.1 radio in the Twin Cities or via Webcast at www.FM1071.com