October 11, 2007

Question: My four-year-old son recently lost his maternal grandfather. It was his first experience with death and I think he's having a difficult time. He says things like, "I don't love Grandpa anymore. He died." Or, "Old and sick people die. Is grandma going to die (or mom, or dad, or me)?" Do you have any suggestions for how I can help him deal with this?

Answer: At age four, children are only beginning to grasp the fact that death is permanent and irreversible. At this young age they do not understand that all living things eventually die -- nor would they feel very comfortable if they did know that. By saying that he doesn't love his grandfather anymore, your son suggests that he's angry that Grandpa left him. Anger toward the person who died is not unusual at any age, but it is especially common in young children.

One of the most important things you can do in this situation is to reflect back your son's feelings. For example, you can say to him, "You feel sad -- and kind of mad -- that Grandpa had to die. You miss him a lot, and so do mom and I." It is also important to clarify that Grandpa didn't die on purpose and that you know he hoped to live for a long time so he could watch his grandson grow.

It also will be helpful to let your son see how you and your wife feel about this loss. He can learn much from watching you deal with grief and loss in a healthy way - shedding tears of sadness, comforting each other and reminiscing about the good times you had with Grandpa when he was alive and healthy. Tell your son that you and his mom still love Grandpa even though he's no longer alive, and that your son still can love him too. Looking at pictures of when Grandpa was healthy -- and telling stories about the times you enjoyed together -- are good ways to help your son come to grips with those feelings.

It sounds like your son also needs reassurance that you, his mom and he are still young and healthy. Granted, death is a harsh and unpredictable reality that is difficult for children to learn and parents to teach. But for now, your son needs to know that you and he probably have many more years together.

Finally, books can be a wonderful way to help a young child develop a healthy, realistic understanding of death. Two of my favorites for preschool children are Tomie de Paola's "Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs," which illustrates how a family's closeness helps a little boy cope with his great-grandmother's death, and Judith Viorst's "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney," which tells how a father comforts his daughter after her cat dies. You should be able to find these books in a public library, where I'm sure a good children's librarian could help you find others.

Dr. Erickson and her daughter can be heard every Sunday, from 2 - 4 pm, on "Good Enough Moms," on FM107.1 radio in the Twin Cities or via Webcast at www.FM1071.com