October 4, 2007

Question: My husband and I recently divorced and now, after four years of staying home with my son, in a few weeks I have to go back to work full-time and he will enter a childcare center. I am concerned that this transition will be really hard for my son, especially since his dad is no longer going to be living with us. What can I do to help my son get through this difficult time?

Answer: You're right that this is a lot of change for a 4-year-old to handle, and I'm glad you're able to focus on your son's needs even in the midst of the upheaval in your own life. Although there is no way to erase the feelings of loss your son is bound to feel, there are several things you can do to ease the way for him.

* First, take your cues from your son's emotions and behavior. It's common in this kind of situation for a child to be sad or angry or both. Your son may express his feelings in words or actions (being less cooperative, for example, or acting babyish). Although you still will need to set limits on unacceptable behavior, give your son a chance to express his feelings and encourage him to put them into words. Acknowledge that you know he wishes things could be the way they used to be, and reassure him that both you and daddy are still going to take good care of him.

* Since you have a few weeks before you start work, see if you can arrange for your son to get familiar gradually with the people who will care for him and, if possible, other children who attend the same childcare facility. Talk positively about the new people he will meet and the interesting things he will do, being careful not to let your own sadness or anger about the new situation color his experience. Four-year-olds often welcome the social interaction and varied activities available in childcare, so this could be a positive change for your son even though it isn't what you had planned.

* In your time at home, begin to establish new rituals and traditions with your son. For example, give him your full attention while you sit down and enjoy dinner together, followed by a favorite story. Or when you first get home from work, play a game or draw pictures together. Even if it means getting up a little earlier in the morning, allow adequate time for your son to get ready and enjoy a healthful breakfast with you before going to childcare. Let him experience firsthand that his home is still a place of love, safety and comfort for him.

* However hurt or angry you may be about your divorce, do everything you can to support a close relationship between your son and his father. Talk positively with your son about the times he spends with his dad and make every effort to work cooperatively with your ex-husband when it comes to childrearing. Because young children have a poorly developed sense of time and the days away from either you or dad can feel very long, encourage frequent communication between your son and his dad such as daily phone calls and hopefully your ex-husband will do the same for you when your son is with him.

The bottom line is that children thrive best when moms and dads can set aside their own animosity and focus together on the children's needs. If for any reason this seems too difficult for you or your ex-husband, I urge you to seek professional help from a family counselor or mediator so that you can deal with your own issues without putting your son in the middle.

Dr. Erickson and her daughter can be heard every Sunday, from 2 - 4 pm, on "Good Enough Moms," on FM107.1 radio in the Twin Cities or via Webcast at www.FM1071.com