August 30, 2007

Question: Our 7-year-old son is always running to one of us to tattle on his brother or one of the other kids in the neighborhood. We don't want to be unsympathetic, but we're getting really tired of it and we think the other kids are starting to get sick of him too. Is there a way to nip this tattletale behavior in the bud?

Answer: All parents have had their kids come running to them with tales of how someone else is bothering them or breaking the rules. And, as you've discovered, when that happens repeatedly it can be a nuisance for parents and the other kids as well. Children need to learn to be responsible for their own behavior, but not to appoint themselves as the "police" for the neighborhood. On the other hand, in a world where there is more aggression and bullying than ever, kids also need to know that sometimes it is essential to "tattle." Knowing when to tell and when not to tell is not always easy for parents or children.

Repeated tattling, as you describe with your son, can mean several different things. Tattling often happens in situations where there is rivalry; it can seem to be in a child's best interest to get a brother or playmate in hot water. By making the other guy look bad, a child might think he or she will look good. Sometimes tattling reflects a need for attention or support; children may feel that the only way to get an adult response is to be in trouble. Tattling about small things often is a sign that the child needs help in learning some conflict-resolution skills. That's where you come in.

Assuming that the other kids are not really hurting your son, here are some things you might do to help keep the tattling in its proper place:

• Don't rush to the rescue when he tattles unless the situation seems dangerous.
  
  
• Use the situation as a teaching opportunity, coaching your son in how to handle problems independently. Suggest what he might say or do with the other kids and encourage him to practice by role-playing with you.
  
  
• Listen sympathetically and acknowledge his feelings, but don't fuss over him. Sometimes a child just needs to know that he's been heard, but doesn't really expect any other action on the part of the parents.
  
  
• Let your son know when he has handled a difficult situation well. When he comes back from playing with the neighbors, encourage him to tell you about how he resolved any problems that came up. (And with a bunch of kids together, problems always come up.)
  
  
• In the long run, teach your child some principles about when to tattle and when not to. (For example, if someone is in danger, ALWAYS tell!)
  
  

Dr. Erickson and her daughter can be heard every Sunday, from 2 - 4 pm, on "Good Enough Moms," on FM107.1 radio in the Twin Cities or via Webcast at www.FM1071.com