Feature
Complex emotions often lie beneath the joy of a soldier's homecoming, and military families of the Iraq War are no exception.
Extended deployments and coming home: how to cope
How to cope
By Deane Morrison
In Normal Rockwell's painting "The Homecoming," a World War
II-era soldier stands quietly as his joyous family rushes to greet
him. In reality, more complex emotions often lie beneath the joy,
and military families of the Iraq War are no exception. In
mid-April, tours of duty were extended for 20,000 soldiers, regular
Army and reservists alike. We asked a couple of stress experts with
the 88th Regional Readiness Command (RRC) at Fort Snelling--both
with University connections--what it's like for soldiers and their
families when the return home is delayed, when it finally happens,
and during the long anxious time in between.
Extended deployment
When a tour of duty is extended, soldiers experience a natural
conflict of loyalties between unit and country on one hand and home
and family on the other. "There's conflict especially at this time
of year because of first communions, weddings, and so on," says
Maj. Cynthia Rasmussen, a nurse practitioner who also works with
veterans and U of M nurse practitioner students at the Minneapolis
VA Hospital. "Families have plans for special occasions, and
soldiers feel disappointment in having their tours extended, as we
all would feel if our plans got changed." A 90-day extension was
tough on a particular soldier and his wife, says Lt. Col. Mary
Erickson, who together with Lt. Col. Susan Whiteaker runs the
Operational Stress Team for the Surgeon's Office at the 88th RRC.
An occupational therapist, Erickson is director of clinical
education in the University's Program on Occupational Therapy. "The
soldier had left Baghdad and gone to Kuwait, then had to go back to
Iraq," she says. "Soldiers understand their missions, but he has a
daughter getting married in the spring."
Erickson discovered the advantages of open
communication firsthand more than a decade ago. Mobilized during
Desert Storm, she left behind two preteen boys. When she got back,
she found dirty laundry and, like any other mother, did it. But
when the kids found out, they let her know that things had changed.
They now did their own laundry, thank you.
The extensions may affect married soldiers more than single ones,
says Rasmussen. Not surprisingly, having children can make it more
difficult when deployment is extended. But little things can also
play a big role and the emotional value placed on otherwise
insignificant items can be enormous. "I've heard that a lot of
soldiers who were planning to come home had already given away a
lot of their comfort items, like blankets or things people have
sent them," Rasmussen recalls. Or, a soldier may give away
something needed in Iraq, such as the nets for personal belongings
that hang by the bedside during lights out, holding items that
would come in handy if one had to get up in the middle of the
night.
Long dark night of the soldier's
family
The big question for a soldier's family is always, "How do I keep
on keeping on?" says Erickson. She and her colleagues work with
families to devise coping mechanisms and strategies for getting
through the time of absence. It's an exercise in dealing with the
unknown, but family members can reduce the strain by living one day
at a time and altering their environments to put themselves more at
ease. Structuring the day to have something positive to look
forward to helps, but it's not easy for those in waiting mode.
Simply waiting is not an option, though. When a soldier leaves,
another family member may have to learn about family finances or
how to survive as a single parent. Erickson gives the example of a
spouse on the homefront who suddenly must deal with a child
learning to drive. What ground rules to set? It can help to talk
about situations like that with the distant parent, or perhaps find
another person who can fill in as a secondary parent. Sometimes,
nonrelatives in the community can help out. "I've had churches come
to a family and ask what the dad normally did with the kids," says
Erickson. "Maybe he'd take them to baseball games or fishing. It's
important to keep family rituals going. Even before the soldiers
leave, we help create a strategy to support the family." The
payoffs reach beyond the emotional well-being of the family members
stateside. "Soldiers are sacrificing in serving their country,"
says Erickson. "People can serve their country by serving these
families. When families are stabilized, soldiers are free to focus
on their mission, and then they're safer."
Crafting heat shields for reentry
Preparing for homecoming ought to be the easiest part of any
extended absence, but soldiers, their families, and friends often
find that they've changed--and not in sync. Families and soldiers
often ponder weighty questions like "Do I fit in?," "Do I still
belong?," and "Will my soldier still love me?" Young soldiers,
especially, can find their values at odds with those of friends. "I
hear from some young folks that their perspective on life and
what's important has changed," says Rasmussen. "Some friends of
soldiers think that shopping for the right jeans is the main thing
in life, rather than issues of life and liberty." Little issues may
escalate if not dealt with swiftly. One soldier's mother told
Rasmussen that during her daughter's deployment, she had had the
home bathroom to herself for 14 months. When her daughter comes
back, she predicted, "she'll hog the bathroom counter with her
things." But this mother had already done the best thing possible
to prepare for domestic conflict: she had talked to her daughter
about it. Erickson discovered the advantages of open communication
firsthand more than a decade ago. Mobilized during Desert Storm,
she left behind two preteen boys. When she got back, she found
dirty laundry and, like any other mother, did it. But when the kids
found out, they let her know that things had changed. They now did
their own laundry, thank you. "Maintaining family rituals is
important, but when they change, it's good to let the soldier
know," says Erickson. Soldiers with small children may come home to
find the kids either don't know them anymore or are angry with
them, says Rasmussen. Again, the key is to anticipate the situation
and work through it, trusting that time will eventually reset the
balance of life. Also, families shouldn't be afraid to ask for what
they need. "We give families permission to say 'no' to extended
family, friends, or the media when a soldier comes home," says
Rasmussen. "For example, a family may hold an open house from 1 to
4 p.m. and then keep the rest of their time for themselves." While
there's a debate whether the psychological needs of soldiers and
their families are being met, Rasmussen says the Army offers a lot
of support, in terms of both people and programs. Her unit, the
Army Reserve's 785th Combat Stress Company, has 11 teams around
Iraq to help alleviate combat stress at the front lines. Rasmussen
herself is currently on orders at the 88th RRC. "We're now able to
provide full-circle support for soldiers and families to deal with
the stress of deployment," says Erickson. "At the 88th RRC, we also
work closely with casualty assistance. A number of times I've
provided support for families and next-of-kin notifiers. Sometimes
they need support, too--they are regular soldiers who have
additional training for that task, not behavioral health
specialists who deal with difficult emotional situations as a
regular part of their job." She adds that many U of M students are
in the Army Reserve, whose benefits include education. In spite of
the best efforts of professionals and military families, returning
soldiers sometimes have needs that are just plain hard to
anticipate. "I had soldiers come back to a demobilization site at
Fort McCoy in Wisconsin," Erickson recalls. "I greeted them as they
were going to the mess hall, and they said they were sick to death
of chicken. I also did a homecoming event, and one family told
their soldier they had planned a big chicken dinner for him. He
just stared at them. "'What do you want?' they asked him. "'Pizza,'
he said."